FEARFULLY BRAVE.

It has been quite some time my friends!

God has been doing a lot in my life lately. In my bible study, we are studying this book called Radical by David Platt. It's been really awesome because it is constantly pointing me back to scripture to read and study, while at the same time being challenged to take my faith back from the American dream, and to once again, become a barbarian for Christ. To be honest, I couldn't believe how much I conformed my faith to be something that true barbarians would question if I actually even understood what I was believing. This week I was challenged to go through my shoes and clothes and to sell it. I mean, I live in total excess when it comes to shoes. I need to give to the poor more often, and I need to be constantly giving. I'm not. I just have been living contently. Ugh, it's just such a battle, daily! I just want to encourage you all to grab a copy of this book and to really devour it. Let Christ use it to speak to you!!

Anyways, I wasn't going to write to be an advertisement for the book! Besides God asking me to listen to the call on my life and wait, to give to the needy, to become more bold and uncomfortable, but he's also called me to be brave. And let me tell you, I have a lot of issues with that. Lately I have been having some minor "heart" problems. I don't know if anything is threatening or really if anything is hurting me (I see a heart doctor in a few weeks), but it's been making me worried. Not only that, but at night, I have been waking up choking and gasping for air, feeling like someone's watching me all the time, crying a lot (which is really odd for a Lincoln), and just really struggling in trusting Christ.

This week I really focused on memorizing a verse from Psalm. And I have accomplished that so FROM MEMORY i will recite it for you (:
Psalm 121: 3, 4, and 7 "He will not allow your foot to be moved. He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither sleep nor slumber. He will preserve you from evil. He will preserve your soul."

So I think that to myself at night and pray that I can continue to grow in my identity in Christ, but I'm human and I get caught up in flipping out at night from fear. Last night was the worst. I woke up several times from choking, and I woke up a few other times from crying! Straight up bawling from my sleep! It was awful. I slept with my light on because I was so scared, and at one point just cried out to God to let me sleep. Around 4:53 AM, after I finished crying, I laid there and didn't know what to do. And out of His great Love, he answered me. He called to my heart...and I know it was my Father!!! I can remember a few years ago laying on my trampoline and preparing to go to Mexico and just spending time alone and in silence with God. That was the only other time I really heard God speak to me outside of scripture. But this time was just really meaningful. I heard him say, simply, yet eloquently and firmly,

"Taylor, I Am. Right. Here. I Do Not Give A Spirit Of Fear. I. Am. Right. Here."

Freaking crap yeah!!!! It was kinda scary and I still took like 3409857 hours to fall back asleep, but He was there.

A tender and sweet reminder.
Thank you Jesus.

AN AWKWARD APOLOGY.

Friends shouldn't....
want to kiss or touch or daydream about what it would be like, at least that’s what we told ourselves while secretly doing exactly that. It took moving away from each other and a dream to finally admit it. It was great, except for the states in between us and no way to change that. After years of hiding our attraction for each other a few states shouldn’t be enough to stand in our way, right?

The first months, spent staying up all night texting or IMing, telling each other everything and acting like a couple of teenagers. Between the “I really like you”’s and the “why didn’t we do this sooner”’s we were both afraid (I think we still are) of what was happening because the distance can be disastrous. Our futures unsure but knowing that they were meant to be one. Longing to be with you and see the goofy grin you said I give you. All the sweet things you would tell me, making me feel special and cared for and all these things that I don’t remember feeling before. Realizing that I was more of afraid of you not knowing I love you than I was of taking the risk to tell you. More than 8 months now and I think that a combination of being so far apart and having witnessed our past relationships and the mistakes made in them makes us want to be perfect for the other so we sometimes hide possibly upsetting tidbits. It’s wrong. Friends first, (almost) lovers second. If we can’t be honest with each other how can we make this work?

It’s not always going to be perfect, perfection is overrated anyway. I can promise though that it will always be loving and sincere. There will be roadblocks and disagreements but those are used to strengthen what we have by communicating not break it down by yelling and giving up. I love you completely, honestly, unconditionally. I don’t want us to end, we haven’t even been given a fair start. If we make each other this happy being so far away just think about what it will be like when we can look into each others eyes, say “I love you” and see the smile on your face instead of only hearing it in your voice.

Patience isn’t easy when you want something so bad but if we hold on we’ll have our happily ever after. It’s waiting for us to dance in the rain.

COFFEE BREAK.

happy tuesday night!!

i just returned home from Bible study, where my pastor talked a lot about hebrews 12:1-3; we're all going on a camping trip this weekend and we're going to dive deeper into that passage...i'm really excited for the trip. sometimes i don't feel very close with the group and that i'm trying too hard for them to like me...i'm not really focused on the reason i'm there.

anyways, things are really starting to change for me...

i thought i was really going to enjoy this summer with classes and work, and starting to get caught up and maybe actually be a junior by my third year of college...but nope. not yet...i took philosophy and i'm just finishing up with my spanish literature class...and it kicked my butt. ugh...and on top of that, work has been so stressful...i work at express in the mall (grooooooss, i hate the mall haha) and it's just been overwhelming after a 4 hour lecture in spanish, then having to go to work and be super-duper nice to shoppers that i don't want to help out. but it's been kind of refreshing too, because i'm actually connecting with a lot of great people there. and it's been a blessing to my relationship with Christ too, because i'm really able to LIVE OUT my faith....like on a completely different level than i really ever have. being surronded by a community of followers is always amazing, but i'm not really at work. so it's been a great blessing to show Christ to my co-workers. on top of that, i'm moving home next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. like insanity. after i moved out in 2008, i didn't think i would really ever move back into that house. and i'm really stressed about it, because i feel like i'm going back to a place that reminds me of...not good things. i'm just stressing...BUT MY DADDY'S HOME!! i'm sooooooo happy about that (: (: (: yayyy...my little brother is going to college, which is the weirdest thing to me cause he's too young, and shouldn't even be driving still. haha (: it's just so weird that my brothers are all going to be so far away from me this year...ugh! annnnd, mike just told me AMAZING news this week...he's going to Grace College in the fall!! (: !!!
i'm so excited for him it's insanity! (: he's going to grow so much and just fall deeper in love with Christ, and i just can't wait to see where God takes him this next year (: (: ooooo yes (: i'm happy!

well, i just mainly wanted to get out all that i'm feeling right now, cause i'm stressed....and i need to start my homework for class tomorrow haha (: it's going to be a lonnnnnnnng friggen night. (:

blessed are you, from our Father.

ELECTRIC ETIQUETTE FOR HER TIME LIMITS.

I found her skin in a box of New York post cards
and left one for my mom. A skin, I mean. One that

loses its leaves like the branches from the weeping widow
outside my house. Weeping willow, I mean. Her skin

warped itself into a snail and I watched it crawl up my
mom's back. I watched her cold heart microwave itself

back to the orange and blue it once bled. The color
saturation was exceptional. My mom's skin slowly followed

the snail's path to the back bathroom, where mother kept her
nail clippers. Those were the only item stored in her mirror.

Each leaf of skin that unraveled off my mother's chest, she clipped
away and sewed it to the snail. I watched the snail take form

once again to the bodies of the twin girls that died last summer
because their mother forgot to tell them to look both ways

before crossing the street. It was a world of zombie like
loved ones that shed different leaves from different trees that had

different rope swings. I was lighthearted as I swung on the tire swing of
my father's branches. He never lost a leaf in my eyes.

My mother's branches fell off and killed those twin girls, once again.
I never could remember the name of those snails.

"Warhol must protect himself from his desire for the daughter." It was like
the way colors were painted on a canvas. The way his snail ate a mother's skin.

HE KNITS THE OCEANS.

Alive fully, the machines sneeze relief as I tire the cord.
It's the fourth day of the week, and I can already feel his astigmatism reel my wheels.
Tuesday's are the only days that I allow my sleepy eye to fully close.

I'm crying in the back room again and I can feel my eyelashes bleed
the defects of a consumed world affected by its consumers.
I see like rhinos in the desert--

only eleven feet ahead of me at a time. But all the kicked up dirt
fills my lungs and I wonder if I can get off early. I'm tired of copying and pasting together
a collage of another's work that I can call my own.

So breathe deeply, and I sing his Hallelujah chorus around the Bend
where the dove behind my ear pleasures me with facts that I'm running too fast and my past
is quickly catching up. Forgive me, father, for I have placed you in the back seat

where my jars of pride have been polishing themselves with dust.
The driftwood becomes more physical in his hands, but somehow less tangible.
Oh, the chemistry of it all.

The time spent from one place to the next is just a construction built from my
mind. It folds and degrades the weightless world
into the open mouths of the ants caught in the serpent's web of knitted venom.

But I keep those little guys in my pockets, hoping my broken egg shells
my stifle their hunger until the sixth seal is broken. He prays for you
every night and kisses my brow and brushes his bed and goes to hair.

My anchor, I'm drowning. The Bible and his science. Joshua surely did a job
building the battle of Jericho. The judging evidence of ignorance sat outside
of Jerusalem for two thousand years, and I am just now noticing the white horse.

I found a letter addressed to my picture. I was told my peacemaking therapy was canceled
due to a conflict. Believability was the lanyard tied to my ankles.
I believe all of us will receive this letter someday.

In a while, I came to myself and saw that I was standing in line.
Books for Jews and letters and your Demons were on my back. Too close to call, I cried for
blood and sold my soul. The first letter of my name is a cross.

At the trumpets call I went to bed and brushed my teeth and gave you head
because of the letters you had read,
I finally understood the red you said.

P.S.

i'm going to go lay out first, then i'll come post my poems. haha

MONTHS TO GIVE.

hello friends!! oh, i know it's been so long since I've gotten on here and posted about anything lately...so i thought i'd share what's going on n stuff...
so this summer has been pretty fantastic so far. i just finished with my philosophy class and let me tell you, if you can avoid a thinking and reasoning class...do it. my class was insane!! just full of diagramming people's thoughts and taking people's arguments and seeing if they were valid, invalid, sound, weak, strong, cogent...bla bla bla...i left every class thinking, "oh yeah i understand this stuff..." then come back the next class and after 10 minutes of lecture i would think "what the h is this guy talking about?" HAHA...oh man, but i'm looking forward to Spanish lit...not really at all actually. a lit class in Spanish? this is gonna be rough...
well anyways, the main reason why i'm posting is because i have some poems i'm going to put up. thanks for dealing with the poetic side of me lately...it's been fun and a good way to relax for me..plus they were homework assignments and i had to do them...(:

good afternoon, good evening, and good night.
p.s. my best friend is coming to visit me today...

A WOODS BEFRIENDED NOBODY

God’s son is forever written on my back
and together we rode my wagon
back to where the poison fogged like fire.

I saw my back bent over like I knew
the woods were preparing their branches and bristles
to wipe and whip the skinned fossil.

Ma’am never gave me the right size of gloves
and they fell off quite often. See where they lie?
Right under a rest.

That’s right God, she was the death
of me. I see that in my poverty she found
a weakening whimper of wisdom.

I watch the men reach into my pockets
and pull out several gloves. It’s dark and
I can barely understand their understood smirks.

The moon lit up my face and I tell Jesus
that my wagon is not suitable. You catered
Elijah with a chariot. Please do it twice. Three times.

He says I died for the sleepwalkers.
I am Jesus. My lungs spat a miracle and I watched
my back break, and showed them what it meant to believe.

MY MARILYN (PASTE UP)

This is the one we all fix our bodies in such a way to capture our best sides and favorite demons. Clearly, all attempts have failed. Is there a science to it? Let’s play God, because science never proved anything. Give the sky new wallpaper and let’s take her with us. Left there will be a suit; a covering Eve started after days of life. In Marilyn’s faith, she worshiped Dean and Malboro. Clever kitty, God removes your claws. Good luck killing your demons, but remember, I will never tempt you with more than you can handle.

EVERYTHING MUST BREAK.

he whispers in hopes to end her Running
and the rooftops in Colorado begin to break
just like his relationship with her.
and her wrist at Pepper’s first unveiling.

the devil’s lettuce put her pain to sleep—
but not the ghosts in his eyes.
his eyes the color
she couldn’t find in her box of crayons.

she would eat that crayon now.

our open mouths and open eyes at graduation
smolder the notions of love and war.
i’ll let my mind win
the war with my heart once more.
you’re timeless.
i’m foolish and in love with time.

my smoke break on your front porch
brought Guadalupe to the tip of your tongue.
i had no permission to drink his blood…
you said it was desecrating.

let me show you
a believable fist.

like lovers crossing the border line
i lay on the edge of your exhausted bed.
you never asked me to pay up.
just go down.
i was choked up from all your demands.

with all her forbidden mistakes and the Good destruction
she reigned her heart and left the porch.
with a new back and a new name she’ll make the show,
and he goes outside and wears Scarlet for the last time.

i devoured her crayon.